Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Beast

Don and I are project people. Give us a project and we will tackle it and have it hung up to dry in no time. Well, at least pre-kids regarding the no time part. Now, projects take about 5 times longer and most times we don't even try to tackle anything because we get frustrated with the time restraints the kids put on us. But we still enjoy the project part. Kinda.

This past week (or two) we have been on a mission to finish a project. A project called Get Party Ready. It has included taking out grass on a third of our yard and installing a beast of a play ground. But only after we took down the play ground from the very generous people who gave it to us and managed to get it to our house. And then refinished the wood. With less than a week to go until party day.

Last night as we were struggling to put the big huge monkey bar across and bolt it in, Don was balancing on a ladder trying -with all his might- to get the two pieces of wood to line up so he could put a bolt through. Luke was so happy that we were almost done that he just kept yelling, "Thank you, Daddo! Thank you Momma!". Over and over again. So sweet, I know, but incredibly distracting when we are dealing with this beast of a structure.

We finally have it (mostly) done, but so much is still on the list of things to do. Put in the padding under the swings. Lay wood chips down. Mow the yard. Clean up the back yard. Fix up sand box area. And that is just the outside "projects".

But at least The Beast is up and soon to be functioning!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Happy Day!

Don stayed home today to celebrate the boys birthday. We took them over to my parents house and hung out there watching Reagan while my Mom went to a quilting class. Don and Vicky came to visit and Leigha happened to stop by right before my Mom came back. The timing worked out perfectly and we had the birthday cake right when my Mom got home. It was a total surprise that everyone (except my Dad who is out of town this week) was at the house at once and it couldn't have worked out better.

Aunt Leigha brought out the lit cake while I stood ready with the camera. Luke and Wyatt were watching her, but Jax was sleepy by then and kept his head down on the table the whole time we sang happy birthday. Luke loved blowing out the candles and asked to do more when he was done. We figured why not and did it again. Jax perked up for the second time and then they all asked for more. So for the third time in less than five minutes, Leigha lit the candles and brought out the cake. Finally, all three got into blowing out the candles.

The cake was a lemon cake with vanilla frosting that the boys had helped me decorate with sprinkles earlier. The entire cake was eaten. The boys had two or three pieces and even little Reagan had two pieces herself. Afterwards the boys opened presents from Grandma Vicky and Papa, loving to tear off the "Cars" wrapping paper.

After naps the boys got their presents from Don and I. Three guitars, a drum set and a couple wood block sets. No big surprise the drums seem to be the big hit. They are loud and I already have a little regret about them. I wonder how many more ways can we make our neighbors hate us.

The whole day was packed, and the boys were so exhausted by the time they went to bed. They do look older today with their big boy haircuts and little man personalities shining through.

Enjoy the slide show of their birthday...

Now it's time to see what the three's are going to bring.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Happy Birthday Boys!

I can't believe that it has been three years since you made your entrance to the world. What an impact you have made on those around you. It has been better than I ever could have believed possible. You are my three little amigos and I am so blessed to have your little hugs and kisses in my life.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


The boys are having a bad potty training day. Although potty training seemed to be getting better, I have cleaned no less than 3 poops already this morning. The real topper to that was after I got Lucas all cleaned up in between the 8 interruptions from the other two trying to "help". I thought I was finished and then realized I couldn't figure out where the messy underwear was. Frantically I am searching for it thinking I know it was right here. I saw him slide them off here.

I asked the boys, "where is Luke's underwear?".
Jax told me "yucky underwear".
"Yes Jax, yucky underwear. Where are they?"
"Dirty. Washed."
oh crap
"Jax, show me where they are"

Jaxon lead me to the washing machine. In trying to help me, he threw in a loaded nasty pair of underwear in the already half full washing machine. Oh look, there is the missing bathing suit I couldn't find earlier and a few other clothing items. Under a real nasty pair of underwear. Fabulous.

Today I am certain my blood pressure has risen considerably and I have probably have had 10 hairs fall out and 20 more turn grey. My head was so full of stress I thought I was going to have an aneurysm. Even as I am writing this, Wyatt comes out of my bedroom walking with his legs spread out, he has peed. I tell him to go to the toilet and follow him to the bathroom. As I lift him up to the toilet, he says, "tank you, momma".

It is so hard to be torn between being so irritated and frustrated and then being reminded how little they are two seconds later. I need lots of patience today. Especially since I just heard the toilet flushing for the 4th time in a row now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Summer days

That is a picture of the boys opening their package from UPS. It was from Aunt Leigha and TJ and the boys were totally happy playing with the styrofoam peanuts in the box. I had to tell them that the box inside contained cookies in order to get them to stop making it "snow" in the kitchen.

The weather has been past 100 degrees here for the past two days. The boys have been stuck in the house since there is a heat warning during the day and this is on top of being stuck at the house all last week because of potty training. We are all getting a bit snippy from the cabin fever going on here.

Don's parents came into town and stopped by today when the boys got up from their nap. It only took the boys a few minutes to start jumping all over their Grandma and Papa like it has only been an hour -not a year and a half- since they have seen them last. We picked up a pizza and headed out to a nearby park with some water fun. The wind was crazy, blowing our plates around and making us hold the pizza boxes down, but we had a good time. Finally we were out of the house! Vicky and the boys played around the edges of the water area since none of the boys wanted to brave it and run full in, but they still were squealing and giggling when they got close to the water.

Back at the house all three boys tried their best to take their Papa down. I swear if the boys weren't so cute it would be frightening to see them attack a grown man. It was an experience for Don to watch, since usually he is the one being attacked, but this time he just got to laugh at it like I do to him. Seriously though, they can take down Don (or his father) in about 1 minute flat. We will have to work something out so they don't try it when the knowledge of that will over turn our power positions here.

The boys are talking like crazy. Jaxon says the cutest things. I know I have written in the past about issues with them in the car. They act badly, I scold them, they laugh, I scold more, etc. Well, apparently I tell them, "it is not funny" more than I realize. Jaxon tells his brothers, "NOT fun-ny BOYS!". He is aware their birthday is getting closer and calls it "Happy Day!". He is a master burper and loves the reaction those burps get.

Lucas says, "I WANT that" and calls his dad, "Don" all the time. I had to hear the phrase, "I want more, Don" about 20 times today. He is also big on the "I need" phrase too. This kid knows exactly what he wants and before I forget, I have to document something. After they eat, I have them bring their plates up to the counter or sink. 90% of the time, Lucas will carry his plate in his mouth. Hands free. And try to stand on matchbox cars so he can use them as a "skateboard".

Wyatt is still quite the cuddler. His favorite phrase is "more". More cuddles, more milk, more apples. Anything, he just wants more. He is the slowest eater I have ever met (slower than GB even!) and it is not unusual to see his still chewing on something cleared from the table a good 20 minutes ago. He is easier going, but very territorial about his toys. But, he has respect for the timer and when there is a toy dispute he cries, "timer!" for the timer to be set so they can take turns.

I know there are so many more things I keep putting off about writing, thinking later I will remember, but now is the time and not much is popping up. Hopefully there will be a paper and pen handy so next things can at least be jotted down the old fashioned way until I get back to the blog.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

PT Week 1 round up

Look at those dirty legs!

Things have gotten better. There is less laundry being done and less stress all around. accidents are still happening, but fewer and further between. Luke is thrilled about making "big poop" in the potty and can keep the same pair of underwear on all day! Wyatt is almost there, and Jaxon maybe a little further behind still.

We finally got the boys out of the house today. First thing this morning we went to Einstein Bagels and picked up breakfast to take to my Mom and Dad's. They watched the boys while Don and I went to disassemble a huge wooden play set being given to us by our family friends, Steve and Cynthia. This was a huge project, lots of bolts to be taken out and heavy lifting. My arms are so tired from using the ratchet, but it will be so exciting to have done and show to the boys! Now we just have to get it from their house to ours, weather proof it (it is about 7 years old) and reassemble it. Luckily we have family coming into town, so maybe we can get some extra muscle to help us out.

After the boys woke from their naps, we took the boys on their first underwear-wearing trip to Home Depot! I am extremely pleased that no one peed, not even in the car. That is a huge concern of mine since it is already hitting 100 degrees here and that stench would just be awful in a hot car! But the boys made it, and Don and I feel like maybe we can actually do this after all. Yay for Mickey Mouse underwear!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Random things

The boys have been talking up a storm lately. It is part awesome (to hear what they think) and part head spinning (now we get sassed).

Last night Don was telling the boys to go downstairs.

Lucas told him (in a whiny voice) "I dun' wanna go do-wnstaws wight now"

Jaxon responded with a "no, no thank you!"

Tonight we could tell Lucas had to poop. After sitting on the toilet with a magna doodle for almost 20 minutes and nothing happening, he said he wanted to get down. Not even five minutes later Don walked into the kitchen just as Luke was getting up from the potty chair in there. Luke looked at the potty and told Don "look-it Daddy! Look what I did! Big poop! I did a big poop!" So all the celebrating and such went on, candy was given out and we told the other two what Luke had accomplished. Jaxon told Luke, "Wow! Good job lu-key". Once they saw the candy, they both ran to earn their own.

So potty training is getting better. I have let go of the reins and only ask the boys if they need to go potty once in a while. I make them go before we put on the big boy underwear and before we eat lunch and dinner. Otherwise they are on their own and it is much less stressful for me. Jaxon puts his underwear in the washer himself when he wets them, which is a nice gesture, I think. The wetting is happening fewer and farther between. Luke wore only two pairs of underwear today, one in the am, and one after naps, only wetting them about 10 minutes before nap/bedtime so I guess he is just sleepy and losing his edge. Wyatt went through three and Jax went through three or four. That is lots of underwear total, but individually they are doing pretty well.

Today we are one week down from their birthday. I can not believe that in only a week, my little babies will already be three! And how is it possible they are only three? Haven't I been home every day with them for going on ten years now? How does that happen?

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I got out of the house for the first time in days.

My dog was licking the inside of a potty chair.

That the bowl was empty!

Potty training is still happening. There are improvements, very small improvements. Not sure if we are making any headway in the way of actually training them to use the potty when they need to, or if we are just sending them to the potty so often that they don't have anything left to pee in their underwear.

It was tiring the first day and it is getting older each day that passes. Jax makes a pout/half crying face when I tell him it is time to sit on the potty and I just don't know how to fix it. They really aren't phased by wet underwear yet either (unless it is a huge pee) but Wyatt is seriously motivated by M&M's for going on his own.

With three full days down, I am not backing off. We will see this through and stick to it. I really have nothing positive to say about this, so any help or hints to make potty training even a tiny bit easier are welcome.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

We started potty training yesterday. I hate telling that to the world. Now I feel like we have to follow through on this and there is no turning back. Yesterday went better than today, until about 6 this evening. Then it was like the light went on in their little heads.

Wyatt's bladder seems to be the size of a grape. That kid has to pee all the time. His first day in underwear he just walked funny. I think it was the actual sensation of being able to feel something other than a thick diaper between him and the world. He is on the potty at least once a half hour, and still has accidents. But tonight at bed time when everyone was tucked in, he said "potty, potty!" and ran with Don to the bathroom. Apparently he actually had to go, since he had more than a half second drip come out. It is not for lack of trying and he is such a good sport about it all.

Lucas seems to be able to do this for the most part. Or at least he did yesterday. He told us a couple times yesterday he had to go, but today, not so much. Tonight after baths he was very cuddly on my lap, not wanting to let go of me and I took that as an opportunity to have a talk to him about who wears big boy/girl underwear. Since we spent the past week with all my family, we went into detail about who in the family wears them and where they go potty.

Jaxon is about 50% there. He is definitely my kid. Hates to be pressured about what needs to be done and really is not enjoying the constant interruptions to go potty. He is another half second pee-er, so I have to tell him "one more time" four times in a row to be sure he gets it all out at one sitting. Occasionally we give them a "potty yummy" (pieces of a fruit roll up) and he proudly announces "potty train". He really is doing well, but I will have to figure out a way for him to not get so annoyed with all the time it takes.

This is the first thing where I actually feel it is much harder doing something with all three than it would be with a singleton. To keep an eye on three boys, looking for signs they have to go, or being able to track all three down to make sure they go. Or thinking about who has drank what or to check how much they actually peed when they (who?) went. Not to mention when we tell everyone to go, it is a ten minute ordeal, easily. First to get them to come over, help them take off their underwear and make sure they keep the pee in the potty. It is hard, really hard.

But it is Mother's Day. Since we are in the midst of training (and not leaving the house), my Mom and Dad surprised us with a trip to our house this morning. Not minding at all that I couldn't make the trip over there on my day to recognize her. She is the best and I really couldn't be more thankful for all she does for me and my family. Over the past couple years we have become much closer and even though we have our moments, it is nice knowing that we can get through it and will be here for each other tomorrow. She loves me -faults and all.

As for my Mother's Day, we spent it here at the house. Going through lots of underwear and emptying out lots of little toilets. As I mentioned, it was a hard day. But the kids were good (for the most part), my husband was super, and the house was a happy house. I have been through too many sad Mother's Days (before we conceived) to not realize that even today -in its most unglamorous form of motherhood- I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being the Mom to these three little guys!

Friday, May 09, 2008

We're Baaack!

Here are a few of the 600 plus (!) pictures I am unloading into my computer right now.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Zoo and beach time!

Yesterday we spent the morning at the Sand Diego zoo. The first thing we did was walk over the the court where both the elephant and giraffe exhibit were. Between dodging the buses and trying to get our monstrosity of a stroller through all the people on the little side walks, we decided we would make more progress taking the double decker buses around the grounds.
On the way to the bus station area, the boys got to see their first peacock up close. Once we were sitting on the top level of the bus, the boys split up between Don and I for the duration of the ride. Lucas was totally into the whole experience, even yelling "go go GO!" to the driver when she had to stop for pedestrians. Wyatt was getting tired and just settled into cuddling in my arms while Jax hung out with Don getting to see all the animals as we rode past.
After the tour, it was obvious that the boys were tired so we ate a quick lunch and headed back to our "California house" for nap time. After naps were over, we met Nana, Pops, Michael, Matthew and Cathryn at Sea World. This was our third trip there and we still found new stuff to see and do. First we fed fish to the seals then went to the fresh fish aquarium. We were trying to make our way to the Wild Arctic, but got detoured to the Sting Ray petting area before we found our way to the Arctic. When that was done, Don and Michael went for a quick ride on the Journey to Atlantis.

The weather has been pretty over cast the whole time we have been out here. The boys have been mostly in short sleeves with a sweatshirt or long sleeves the whole time. Today we woke up with nothing on our agenda and the weather was fore casted to and be warmer and clearer than it has been the whole time we have been here. Sounded like a perfect day for the beach!

First we took a walk up the bay to the playground area. We were the only ones there the entire time so the boys got to run and play on the slides, swings and any thing else they wanted to play on. After an hour of non stop playing, we decided to walk back to the house -but walk on the beach instead of the side walk.

Since we were in the bay and not ocean side there are no waves to be careful of. The boys were able to wade in as far as their knees or so and have no fear of a wave knocking them over. There pants were off and their shirts were drenched. Once we made it back to the house, we gave them a quick bath before lunch. When lunch was over, we took Nana to the bay with us and stayed out for another hour while they played more in the water. Lucas was getting sleepy and Jax was getting cold. Wyatt loved it and had no intention of ever coming in, but we told him after nap time we could come back. One more bath and nap time it was.

After naps we put the boys in their swimsuits for the first time(!) and took them back to the beach. We spent a good two hours out there, digging up sand and finding huge rocks to throw in the water. Wyatt was not shy about getting his body in the water, but Jax would cry when he would fall in -but after the third or fourth time he didn't seem to mind any more. Lucas preferred to stay up closer to the shore, little wagon behind him carrying a big rock he had found. Eventually all three seemed like they were getting chilly and it was getting closer to dinner time, so we walked back the the house.

Nana had picked up the cousins so we got to have one last big dinner. Don cooked some chicken on the grill while all the kids played outside. Lucas really has gotten to be a bossy little man, so he was loving trying to ell his big cousins what to do. Wyatt was running around being a little imp and Jaxon had cuddled up to Cathryn on the couch.

I have really noticed a difference in our boys in the past few days. They really love their big cousins and I am just amazed at how much having the bigger kids dote on them has made a difference in their little personalities. Wyatt's vocabulary has gotten much better. He is conversing with us a bit more versus just yelling when he wants or needs something. He is making more jokes and acting a bit more silly. I can tell he is going to be the kind of guy who is always up for a good time and loves to make people laugh. He loves to play chase or anything else where teasing takes place.

Jaxon has always been a beautiful spirit, but he has taken it to a new level. Full of lots of kisses for everyone, I can't believe how many pictures I have of this guy with a full on sparkling smile while he is cuddling with Pops, Leigha, or Cathryn. He knows what he wants, but he is so good about letting someone else have their way instead and waiting for his turn to be later.

Lucas is still cool dude Luke. He has taken to wearing a shark tooth necklace we got him from Sea World. He loved hanging out with his big cousins, asking for them when ever they weren't around. He loved to tease them, and once while we were eating dinner he barely burped and laughed so hard he wasn't breathing. When we would drive to and from any places on the trip, he would always question if we were going on a "big bye-bye", "home-Belle" (our house to our dog, Belle), or "California house".

It is amazing to see the kids out of their element and see them shine.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Elmo, beaches and naps, oh my!

This past Christmas season the boys freaked out when they saw an 8 foot tall walking Frosty. They were shaking in fear -hiding behind us- while screaming loud enough to hear us from California. So we were unsure how breakfast with the characters would go. No one screamed or "freaked out", but at first they were surprisingly happy watching their friends Elmo and Zoe from a distance.

Luckily the breakfast wasn't very full -no more than 15 families were there- so the boys had many chances to warm up to the characters. First we stood in line and waited to get a picture taken with Elmo. Don and I walked over, gave Elmo five and a hug, but the boys weren't buying it. Luke looked curious and quickly reached his hand out to touch Elmo, but one touch of the red fur was enough for him and he took a few steps back.

Back over at our table, we ate more breakfast while watching Zoe, Bert, Cookie Monster and Count come out. The characters mingled with the kids and we saw Bert go to a few different tables feeding some babies a spoonful of oatmeal here and there. The Count came to our table and pointed to one, two and three boys while his helper counted them out loud. Next thing we knew Bert came to our table and grabbed a spoon. Being a good sport, Don obligingly opened his mouth as Bert fed him a spoon of oatmeal while the kids just watched in amazement.

After that the boys warmed up quite a bit. They decided it was time to get out of their seats and into the action! Jax was over the shyness and giving Zoe and the other characters hugs. I wish I had taken a picture of the look on his face after he hugged Elmo. I could totally tell it was the moment of all moments for him.

We got a couple more pictures of the boys taken with Count, Cookie and Bert and finished our breakfast. They did a couple dances and a parade around the buffet and it was over. Only about 5 minutes before we left I finally had the idea to get out our video camera, but really didn't catch much on it.

Later in the day after the boys woke up from their naps we took a walk out to the beach. Cathryn and Mike took a couple of bikes that are here at the cottage to use, and TJ decided he was up for the stroll as well. The weather here is pretty chilly so the boys had on their jeans and sweatshirts. Wyatt and Lucas screamed and cried when we got to the sandy area of the beach. They were not crazy about the texture difference, but Jaxon took right to it. He didn't complain when Don took off his sandals and just ran to catch up with TJ.

Eventually we got down to the firmer sand by the waters edge and the boys got a bit more interested in the bikes that the kids rode out in. TJ helped Lucas sit on the smaller one and Don put Wyatt in front of him on the larger bike and rode up and down the beach side. After they took turns- after turns- after turns- with Don and TJ, Wyatt and Luke finally didn't mind the sand texture so much and started enjoying walking on the sand.

We all played run from the waves as the water receded and came up again. Jaxon got a bit distracted by a kite surfer and almost got caught by a bit of water, but ran just in time. When he would run from the water, he would have a scared look on his face for a second and then would break out in a huge smile for the rest of the run. Luke was a bit more cautious about it all, preferring to play with Cathryn digging in the sand. Wyatt liked to wait until the last second to run from the water with loud little giggles like he was taunting the waves. One time he turned too fast and fell down right as the water came up. I pulled his little body up, but his jeans and cuff to his sweatshirt still got wet.

We are having such a fun time, much more enjoyable for Don and I since the boys are napping again. The nights are late and the mornings very early, but I am thankful we still have a few nights left here.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Vacation Time!

After the five hour drive out here, we stopped and stayed at the same hotel my parents and the kids were already at. We were hoping to get there before it was too late,since we hadn't seen Michael, Matthew and Cathryn in about 6 months. Luckily, it was only about 9pm, they all were still awake. It took the boys all of 2 minutes to feel completely comfortable and start hanging all over their older cousins.

This morning after we checked out, all 12 of us (Leigha and TJ, too) headed out to Costco to buy food for our rental house. Even though this was just a trip to Costco, it was so much fun to have all of us together. It definitely complicated matters, trying to figure out where every one went and see who had what food, but it was fun nonetheless.

Once our trip to Costco was complete, it was finally time to head out to the rental house. This place is great! Cozy, but enough room for everyone to have their own space. We quickly unpacked, ate lunch, and made our short drive up the road to Sea World!

It was about one o'clock by then and the boys were tired. Little Wyatt passed out on Nana's shoulder literally as we were walking into the park. He was soon passed over to Pops and slept through the dolphin show and half of the Shamu show, too. He woke up just as his brothers had their first taste of cotton candy. Luke was a bit wary of the cotton candy at first, but he watched Mike and Matthew eat it, then he saw Jax take a huge bite, and eventually decided to try it, too.

After the Shamu show we walked to the Shark tank, Penguin Encounter and then the Pet show. The pet show was fantastic, but Jax was less than thrilled about getting splashed with a bit of water. By then it was past 5 and all three boys were long over due for their naps. No nap was in sight though, because at 6, was time to "Dine with Shamu".

The boys were amazed sitting so close to the whales. The trainers had the whales do a few tricks while we sat patio side to a huge back tank. When they were not performing tricks, the whales would just swim by, occasionally popping their heads above water to keep us on our toes. The boys loved the whole experience. The food was good (it doesn't get any better than mac and cheese for those kids!) and they loved seeing and hearing the whales so close up.

I would live today over a hundred times. To have so many people in my family together -in the same places, for so much of the day- has just been wonderful. It is so seamless, the way everyone is getting along and just filling their place in the family. The boys being able to hang out with their cousins, as well as see my sister and dad for so much in one day is such a new experience for them, and they really soaked it up. There has been lots of laughter from all the kids. It has also been super nice for Don and I. I am embarrassed to admit how much we are enjoying the 7 extra sets of hands helping us with the boys.

I wish I could load the pictures we took today. Starting with first of the day when we asked a perfect stranger in the hotel parking lot to take one of the 12 of us. Pictures of Wyatt asleep on Pops shoulder, Michael, Matthew and Cathryn together, Nana sharing her blue slurpee with the four younger kids, or Shamu with a diver on his nose jumping into the air. And ending with the one of the three boys watching Shamu swim next to them only two feet away.

Tomorrow we are back to Sea World for breakfast with Elmo and the rest of the Sesame Street gang. Day two of vacation, here we come!

Saturday, May 03, 2008


I will be off line for a week or so, see you when I get back!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

The fog is lifting...

This week I have headed out to two different appointments. This meant that my mom stayed with the boys (and Reagan) at my house while I was out and about for what totalled 4 hours between the two days. I am absolutely amazed at the difference I feel just for having that bit of time off from "Mom duty". I know I get a break when they nap or are in bed, but to have time off from the regular stuff was just very liberating. Isn't that sad?

I have used that bit of time (while I was driving) to reflect on what my life is right now. Everything has gone so fast and the days are flying by. I haven't had time to process what is going on. I just do it. The same thing every day and keep my mind on cruise control (aka survival mode). One day it is xxx and the next it is xx and add a little of xx to it. I feel so detached, some nights waiting until the kids go to bed so I feel like I can breathe for five minutes with out being interrupted. I have noticed my patience is worn thin and I am not being the Mom I want to be. My head is so full of whining, screaming and fighting, I don't have the energy to be the wife I want to be. I keep thinking I can right the wrongs later.

So as of today, later is now. Now is the time to be the wife and Mom I want to be. I want to be the person who I always thought I was, but started drifting from when life got so hectic. I want to start having real conversations about life in general, not just what is for dinner. I want to contribute more to people around me, family and friends. So I will. Starting today, I will. My house may not be as clean as yesterday, but my heart will be lighter.