Sunday, September 03, 2006

Crocodile tears

I am sure many of you have already heard, Steve Irwin, Crocodile Man has died. A stingray barb went to his chest, and ended up killing him. Here is the news story.

The timing of this news story is crazy for me. I have had a sort of premonition the other night that has left me a bit unnerved. Ever since the babies were born, I have a hard time unwinding most nights and it can take me up to an hour to fall asleep. I was laying in bed, probably about midnightish, Wednesday night just trying to clear my mind. In the midst of just drifting off to sleep, I had a horrible premonition that just about sent me into a panic attack. In my head- out of nowhere- the thought appeared that my husband is going to die on September 27th.

It is impossible for me to look at that on the screen without my heart going crazy and I feel like I cannot breathe.

All the sudden a million thoughts came into my mind... we have no wills, barely any life insurance, and needless to say, absolutely no plan of action should something happen to one of us. Let alone what would I do without him? After freaking out for what seemed like forever, I went to sleep, hoping I could forget about it by the morning.
I woke up in the morning and I can honestly say I remembered my premonition within 5 seconds of my brain turning back on. My eyes weren't even opened. It is now Sunday night, and I am still very uneasy over all this. The most bothersome thing is that I just can not seem to shake it.

So the only thing I can do is put it out here. Make it lose some of it's "power" by writing it and seeing how ridiculous it sounds in real life. Instead of a secret fear, I am trying to "free it" in the hopes of it going away. I have talked to Don about it, too. (Imagine how you can approach that one to your loved ones) He seemed nonplussed by it initially, but I can tell it bothers him a bit more as time goes by. I have talked him into getting some blood work done, and he called his disability insurance to see if he can get the regular insurance amount raised. Which means he hears me, and he is being cautious for me.

Tonight I was just watching everything he does, and I couldn't possibly imagine raising these three boys without him in our lives. I could never rough house with them like he does. Or allow them to take the brave little chances they do. Who would I share all the laughs about the cute little things the babies do? Who would put them to bed with me, or check on them late at night? No way. I need to shake this off NOW.

So, if anyone has any tips, words of encouragement, or prayers, this is a great time for you to help me out. Tell me how having kids did crazy things to your mind too, or something you thought for sure would happen, but turned out to be something different. The wise words from my mom about this are, "pray for heavenly guidance and strength. Sometimes Satan just likes to fool us through fear, I think. Satan and insurance men". Well said, Mom.


JenMom said...

Oh, I am so sorry. This happens to me, too. We actually just doubles Dh's policy. I honestly think this is part of being so happy that the "Murphy's Law" fear starts chasing us telling us it is all too good to be true and something is going to I will pray for you! Each time my own little fears start creeping in, it will remind me to pray PEACE for you!

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

I know what you mean. Someone told me when I was in 10th grade that I'd die in a plane crash when I was 38. What a horrible thought - it has stuck with me for 20+ years. (Wait, did I do the math right??) Whatever. It's been a LONG time. Don't allow yourself to be haunted by the future ... only God knows what's in store. Just remind yourself to always stay safe. You and Don have a LOT to live for!!! I'll be sending some extra prayers your way - especially on 9/27. :)